Reboot Week 4

I watched all five Reboot Week 4 episodes in two days (of my life).  On the computer, so no fast-forwarding.  Yes, I am amazing.  Although I will confess that, when the strawberries and whipped cream appeared, I started emptying the dishwasher.  Which brings us to…

MARLENA AND JOHN

These two really need one of those cutesy smooshed-together soap opera couple names.  Like “Jarlena”.  Or “Mah-Jongg”.  Although they started the week apart, which is my own personal favorite way to see them, as Marlena confronted Boris…er, Stefano, whom she assumes is behind John’s current woes.  And here was pleasant surprise number one for the week:  who knew these two crazy kids would have so much off-the-charts chemistry?  Judging from their conversation, the show has explored said chemistry in the past, although that’s all over now, as Boris…er, Stefano is married to Natasha…er, Kate…er, Katherine.

Pleasant surprise number two was that Marlena actually slapped him.  Didn’t see that coming.  I could get all kinds of behind Feisty Marlena.  Who also didn’t back down when John chastised her for going to see Stefano.

Later in the week, Mayor McCheese (who reminds me more and more of a Special Guest Villain Of The Week from the old Batman TV series) and his granddaughter are visiting Marlena and John when a rock wrapped in a death threat (shrouded in a riddle cloaked in an enigma) comes sailing through the window.  Um, hello?  Do these two rich people, at least one of whom was a millionaire before his assets were frozen (heh) really live in a penthouse on the ground floor? Or did someone hire a plane just to throw a rock through their window?  And, if so, did the plane skywrite “Surrender Dorothy” while it was at it?

More to the point, how did the window get repaired so quickly that, by Sex Day, which was either later that same day or, at the latest, the very next day, there was no trace of the damages?

As you may have guessed, I am going to gloss over Sex Day, except to point out that the show made Mah-Jongg fans wait exactly one month for it, and that Marlena had what can only be described as a mini-orgasm early on in the proceedings.  Didn’t see THAT coming.  (Heh.  See what I did there?)

JACK AND JENNIFER

From the Things That Would Never Fly In The Real World Department, Jennifer brilliantly decides that she can’t decide, and hence will be dating both Jack and NotJack till she can make up what passes for her mind.  She spells out that there will be no sex, though, which makes her plan totally not idiotic at all.  If I were writing this, Jack and NotJack would decide that they were much more into each other, ditch the bitch and make the switch.  This being NBC however, I am guessing that’s not where the story is going.

When Daughter Crabby gets wind of this plan, she pitches the same fit she pitched the last time Jack came to the house, although she has clearly been to acting class in the interim, because she doesn’t pitch the ENTIRE fit dialed up to eleven.  Also, there are visible bobby pins in her hair.  Is that a thing now, or did someone blow the barrette budget this month?

There follows a scene which defies all human logic while violating the time-space continuum and possibly causing diabetes in laboratory rats.  Jack takes Jennifer to the Brady Pub, which he has somehow gotten closed so they can decorate cookies to take to children in the hospital for Halloween. Which they have finished doing by the end of the episode, even though Halloween is still well over a week away.  Also, in a scene later in the same episode, the Brady Pub is shown operating business-as-usual.  Also also, Jennifer begins “decorating” by dumping a bunch of sprinkles onto a totally dry cookie.  Presumably, teeny-tiny unicorns will hold the sprinkles to the cookie.

Jack tells a long, sad story about a child who died in Afghanistan.  Perhaps the word “television” is confusing you, show, but you need to SHOW us things, not TELL them to us. A random brain cell fires in Jennifer’s head and she suggests that he seek professional help.  Does Marlena actually still work anymore?

THE TEEN SCENE

Speaking of Crabby, we saw a lot more of the teen set this week.  By “a lot more”, I mean, of course, that we saw them at all.  Out Gay Teen and Not Out Gay Teen (and possibly one of the teen girls…who would notice?) were concerned about gay slurs on their website, or blog, or something. Because they are apparently the only two teenagers in the country who have never been on the InterNetz before.  They were then joined by Tall Dreamy DiMera (not EJ, the younger one), who I’m pretty sure kept the conversation going.  I may have been too busy looking to listen.

TD DiMeara, aka Dangling Chad (sigh), is allegedly Crabby’s boyfriend, but is clearly sniffing around Melanie, who, at least for the moment, is relatively more drama-free.  That is, if she can be pried away from the inappropriately incestuous pawing of her father, NotJack.  Are these two dating in real life?  Get a room, fercrissakes.

SCRAMBLED EGGS

Melanie, of course, is also unnaturally shoehorned into the story of Maggie’s stolen eggs, as we have now learned that Alice Horton’s secret was that Maggie has a child out there somewhere.  Even Helen Keller can see where this story is going, but I am all for anything that keeps Maggie front and center.  And while they’re at it, if they make Victor the baby-daddy, that would just be icing on the cake.  I’m not sure how we’re supposed to come out at the end of all this and still revere Alice as some sort of saint, but whatevs.  Didn’t Maggie look fabulous in that blue suit?  Did she really have nothing on under there but a necklace?

Was the lesbian lawyer some stunt casting that I didn’t recognize, or did she just suck?

As an adjunct to this story, it occurs to me that supercouple Bo and Hope have functioned as nothing but plot devices for the past four weeks. I have nothing to say about that, I’m just putting it out there.

I LOVE SAMI

Well, I do, but that’s not why this section is called that.  It’s called that because if Rafe’s last name were “Ricardo” instead of “Hernandez”, it’d be closer to the truth.  How adorable was it when Little Ricky spilled orange juice on Lucy’s…er, Sami’s business papers?  Or when Sami invited her ex to move in without consulting Ricky…er, Rafe?  Sami, you’ve got some ‘splainin’ to do!

Of course, this analogy breaks down when Rafe starts punching people for “getting him fired”.  I don’t recall an episode of I Love Lucy in which Ricky punched Fred Mertz.  Ya know who got you fired, caveman?  YOU did…by not only not doing your job, but by doing the exact opposite of your job.  And was it just me, or did we just not get to the plot point yet, that the bean-spilling he punched Austin for was actually done by Sami?  Again:  NBC; not to worry, the previews for next week didn’t show domestic abuse, they showed wacky we-all-live-in-the-same-apartment Three’s Company hijinks.  My favorite; middle-aged people acting like teenagers.

Little Ricky is gonna be so confused.

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ERIC SINGEL is a Philadelphia actor/playwright whose one-man show The Wedding Consultant most recently played at the 2011 Philadelphia Fringe Festival.  He is also a member of Philadelphia’s premiere sketch comedy troupe, the WaitStaff.  He has been watching soap operas since he was a child, and watching seriously since he was a teenager.  Soaps that he has followed include Another World, The Doctors, The Young and the Restless, The Bold and the Beautiful, As the World Turns, Guiding Light, and One Life To Live. His other blog, Eric’s Daily Horoscope, can be found at http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com , and the accompanying vlogs at http://www.youtube.com/user/RickinPhilly .