Reboot Week 3

Wow.  Week 4 of the reboot has already gone by, and I haven’t even commented on Week 3 yet.  Thyme fries when it’s on a bun.  In keeping with the rules I set out for myself, I have not yet watched any of Week 4, and I watched Week 3 back during Week 3, so my memory may be a little hazy.  But here goes…

MARLENA AND JOHN

We start off the week with proof that God Herself is watching Days of Our Lives, as the doorbell interrupts a love scene between Marlena and John. I subsequently learned that this is an actual plot point, as John has been incapable of performing (see what I did there?) since whenever his paralysis occurred.  So I will, I suppose, have to give them a pass on that.  What I cannot give them a pass on is the ongoing pity party for John.  Guess what, dude?  A whole bunch of folks lost their life savings/retirement funds/whatever, and you were Large Marge In Charge of the corporation that made it happen.  Yeah, you’re responsible, maybe not criminally, but, still, responsible.  Man up.  (Ooops…sorry.)

Meanwhile, is said corporation actually called “Basic Black”?  Seriously?  What do they make, false eyelashes for drag queens?

Another thing that’s getting really old (and bear in mind, I’ve only been watching this show for THREE WEEKS) is the constant assumption that Boris and Natasha are responsible for every bad thing that happens.  I broke a nail… Those Damn DiMeras!  There’s pulp in my orange juice… Those Damn DiMeras!  Everyone in Salem died, but is actually living on some island… Those Damn…well, you get the idea.  I seriously hope they don’t hang this embezzlement story on Those Damn DiMeras, because that would be really dull.  Although the week ended with Marlena off to confront Boris about the issue, and I am grateful for anything that keeps her away from John and a bed.

JACK AND JENNIFER

NotJack brings his buns over for breakfast with Jennifer, only to encounter a shirtless Jack.  Yay, show!  Jennifer, meanwhile, is wearing some sort of pigtails. Whatever.  I cannot believe it took me all this time to realize that I know NotJack from when he used to live in Oakdale.  Of course, they used to write for him over there…here he seems to be little more than a placeholder.  At any rate, they quickly dispense with him, then Jack and Jen begin having a circuitous conversation that will literally last for the rest of the week(!) It is interrupted long enough for Jack to drag some strapping youth up off of the heaving bosom of his allegedly teenaged daughter, thereby demonstrating that he is not, perhaps, as smart as I thought he was.   I subsequently learn that said youth is one of (you guessed it) Those Damn DiMeras.  Lordy, Those Damn DiMeras are TALL.  And HAWTT.

Jack and Jen move their convo to the town square.  Jack is now wearing a shirt. Jen is wearing an actual color, her hair is not in some dowdy updo or in pigtails, and she actually looks really good for the first time in THREE WEEKS.  If somebody would just give her some damn lipstick, she’d look GREAT.  I have time to think of all this because they spend TWO WHOLE DAYS in the town square, saying the same things over and over again to each other.  Really, show?  Where are Those Damn DiMeras when ya need ‘em?

IF I WERE KING OF THE FOREST

Also in the town square, an impromptu mayoral candidate debate pops up.  As mayoral candidate debates are wont to do.  This also lasts two days, and consists of EJ (sigh) making excellent points about Abe’s ties to John and the Basic Black debacle, while Abe repeatedly points out that EJ is one of Those Damn DiMeras.  It also necessitates Nicole and Lexie standing on the sidelines, being forced to say things like, “Yes!” and “Go, Abe!” and “Go, EJ!”  They couldn’t have looked more ridiculous if they’d been wearing cheerleading uniforms and waving pompoms. EJ apparently wins, as decided by the three extras who appeared in the scene Twittering.

Speaking of extras, show, either find a way to shoot smaller chunks of the town square, or hire more extras, because three folks are not a crowd.  Also, there was blond female extra in a white sweater (which I would have thought would have been a no-no for extras) and a peachy-pink scarf who was drawing so much focus, I expected her to interrupt the debate to announce that she was somebody’s long-lost daughter.

BITCHES

Meanwhile, not in the town square, there was a whole lot of bitching for bitching’s sake between resident bitches Natasha, Sami, and Bitchy-Come-Lately Madison (who only bitches because she has to, of course, because she is The Awesomest Awesome That Ever Awesomed…didja know she speaks Japanese, and EVERYTHING?)  They bitched in the pub, they bitched outside the pub, and then they went and bitched in the construction site of Madison’s new cosmetics concern.  The upshot of all this bitching was that Madison bested Natasha at something involving Japanese people (because she is AWESOME), and Brady took his shirt off.  Whereupon Thoroughly Awesome Madison informed him that she doesn’t date people she works with.  Yeah, well…you might wanna either fire his fine ass, or knock off all the eye-fucking.  I’m just sayin’.

GO ASK ALICE

Could we just have a damn séance already and find out what Alice Horton’s big secret was?  I love that it involves Maggie, who is one of my favorite vets so far, but seriously.  Move on, already.

Speaking of vets, they trotted out somebody called Caroline this week.  Sami called her “Grandma”.  I called her “Reason Why We Never Have To See Sami’s Kids”.  She was immobilized in some bizarre fashion at the bar in the Brady Pub.  There was an explanation for it, but…Zzzzzzzzz.  When Sami and the other characters left her to go to a table, she did the most amazing mime show of “I’m Looking For A Waiter For You, But I’m Not Finding One”.  Marcel Marceau would have been proud.  Cut to commercial, come back to the scene where we left off, and she is inexplicably gone.  Whatever, show.

CUPID STUNTS

Ya know what’s annoying?  Stunt casting.  Although this week’s stunts were nowhere near as annoying as the Millionaire Matchgirl, or Midwife, or whatever that drag queen from the first week was calling herself.  At least the guy blended in somewhat, but the reporter woman was really distracting.  More so because I had no damn idea who she was, or why I should care.  Or why anyone from anything but a local TV news show would care about Salem’s mayoral candidates.  I blame Those Damn DiMeras.

ODDS AND ENDS

There is some trouble brewing between Carrie and Austin, because Austin is working for the prosecution against Saint John. Naturally, Rafe offers up some marital advice.  The writing for this Rafe character is very bizarre…it alternates between Neanderthal and gossipy little old lady.

Ya know who we never see on this show?  People under forty.

I have two major dialog pet peeves on soaps.  So far, no one has uttered the dreaded “I could care less”.  But this week, Natasha ordered herself an “eXpresso”.  Those Damn DiMeras.

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ERIC SINGEL is a Philadelphia actor/playwright whose one-man show The Wedding Consultant most recently played at the 2011 Philadelphia Fringe Festival.  He is also a member of Philadelphia’s premiere sketch comedy troupe, the WaitStaff.  He has been watching soap operas since he was a child, and watching seriously since he was a teenager.  Soaps that he has followed include Another World, The Doctors, The Young and the Restless, The Bold and the Beautiful, As the World Turns, Guiding Light, and One Life To Live. His other blog, Eric’s Daily Horoscope, can be found at http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com , and the accompanying vlogs at http://www.youtube.com/user/RickinPhilly .