Reboot Week 5

I am departing from the usual format here in Reboot Week 5 to just list a bunch of questions I have about My New Show.

THINGS ABOUT DOOL THAT ARE MAKING ME GO “HMMM….”

Why are all the hotels in Salem full of reporters who are there to cover a trial that hasn’t started yet?

How is it that John, who is under house arrest, was able to make it to the town square without his ANKLE MONITOR notifying the police?

Why does Marlena just happen to have a dominatrix costume in her closet?  (On second thought, don’t answer that one.)

Whatever will Bo and Hope do now that they are no longer plot devices in The Story Of Maggie’s Eggs? And how is it that all Hope did was put on a pirate hat and costume, and she looks THAT MUCH like Captain Jack Sparrow?

How sick was the actor who plays Maggie of having to talk incessantly like a deranged chicken about “her eggs”?

Did EJ and Nicole actually break up but forget to get a divorce?

Are the writers aware that Election Day is next Tuesday, so this ridiculous mayoral campaign story needs to be wrapped up by then?  (I am guessing not, as Mayor McCheese just now hired Jen to be his,…whatever he hired her to be.  (The thoughts of Nicole chewing Jen up and spitting her out are amusing me beyond all measure.))

Speaking of Jen, do the hair, makeup, and wardrobe people hate this actor?   Old lady hairstyles, colorless makeup, no lipstick, clothes in taupe, beige, ecru, and dull?  This is a pretty woman, when she lets her hair down, puts some makeup on, and wears clothes that come in colors.  Jeebus.

On the flip side, is it just me, or is Maggie consistently the best-dressed woman on the show?  The blue suit, the green leather jacket…is she bringing in her own clothes?  Also, in Friday’s episode, she was wearing two different lipsticks…maybe if the Jen actor is really nice to her, she’ll let her borrow one.

How is it that people are gambling “on those cute boys’ website”?  And why would those cute boys get in trouble for it?  Every third damn character on this show is involved in law enforcement in some way…couldn’t somebody seek legal advice?  Also, posting on somebody’s message board doesn’t make that person liable for what you post.  Also also, you aren’t anonymous just because you’re on the InterNetz.  Also also also, deleting your post from somebody’s message board doesn’t really make t go away/be untraceable.   Clearly, the writers are unfamiliar with the WorldWideInterWebNetz, but, more importantly, their unfamiliarity is making the characters look stupid, and that’s a problem.

Why do they keep propping Caroline up in the same position in front of the Brady Pub bar, when, if they just put her BEHIND it, they wouldn’t have to explain away whatever is immobilizing the actor?

Do I want to know why EJ’s real name is Elvis?  No, I do not.

What is the relationship between Titan and Madhouse Cosmetics? Between Titan and Basic Black?  When I first started watching, I had Brady pegged for the actual pension-fund-embezzler…now he seems to be the shirt-ripper-offer.  (Also, does Victor own a company?  Does Stefano?)

Is there a competition amongst the writers for who can get Brady to rip his shirt off in the most ridiculous circumstances?  (Not that there would be anything wrong with that.)

What the hell was that soft porn scene with Madison greasing up Brady all about anyway?  (Again, not that I’m complaining.)  She didn’t need a “model”, as the only picture ever taken was a cell phone pic that she deleted.  What she seemed to need was a focus group, which is not comprised of one person.  The intelligence-insulting quotient was getting very high here, show.  Unless she’s setting him up for a sexual harassment suit, because Titan owns Madhouse, I fail to see what you’re up to.  (Again, not that I’m complaining.)

“Greasing Up Brady” could totally revitalize the Brady Bunch franchise. Just a thought.  (Which I realize is not a question.)

Really?  Dueling French maids costumes?  Who under forty even knows what that is?  Also, if someone unexpectedly grabs you from behind, you don’t generally let them stick their tongue down your throat without a fight.  Just sayin’.

Why do Rafe and EJ have the same wig on?  Did I never see them in a scene together?  Is it literally the SAME wig, and hence a cost-cutting measure?  Or is someone going to mistake one of them for the other and kiss them?  If so, could it be Dangling Chad (aka Tall Dreamy DiMera (as opposed to Tall Dreamy DiMera With The Accent))?

Imma wrap this up, so I can go watch Part Two of Halloween.

Reboot Week 4

I watched all five Reboot Week 4 episodes in two days (of my life).  On the computer, so no fast-forwarding.  Yes, I am amazing.  Although I will confess that, when the strawberries and whipped cream appeared, I started emptying the dishwasher.  Which brings us to…

MARLENA AND JOHN

These two really need one of those cutesy smooshed-together soap opera couple names.  Like “Jarlena”.  Or “Mah-Jongg”.  Although they started the week apart, which is my own personal favorite way to see them, as Marlena confronted Boris…er, Stefano, whom she assumes is behind John’s current woes.  And here was pleasant surprise number one for the week:  who knew these two crazy kids would have so much off-the-charts chemistry?  Judging from their conversation, the show has explored said chemistry in the past, although that’s all over now, as Boris…er, Stefano is married to Natasha…er, Kate…er, Katherine.

Pleasant surprise number two was that Marlena actually slapped him.  Didn’t see that coming.  I could get all kinds of behind Feisty Marlena.  Who also didn’t back down when John chastised her for going to see Stefano.

Later in the week, Mayor McCheese (who reminds me more and more of a Special Guest Villain Of The Week from the old Batman TV series) and his granddaughter are visiting Marlena and John when a rock wrapped in a death threat (shrouded in a riddle cloaked in an enigma) comes sailing through the window.  Um, hello?  Do these two rich people, at least one of whom was a millionaire before his assets were frozen (heh) really live in a penthouse on the ground floor? Or did someone hire a plane just to throw a rock through their window?  And, if so, did the plane skywrite “Surrender Dorothy” while it was at it?

More to the point, how did the window get repaired so quickly that, by Sex Day, which was either later that same day or, at the latest, the very next day, there was no trace of the damages?

As you may have guessed, I am going to gloss over Sex Day, except to point out that the show made Mah-Jongg fans wait exactly one month for it, and that Marlena had what can only be described as a mini-orgasm early on in the proceedings.  Didn’t see THAT coming.  (Heh.  See what I did there?)

JACK AND JENNIFER

From the Things That Would Never Fly In The Real World Department, Jennifer brilliantly decides that she can’t decide, and hence will be dating both Jack and NotJack till she can make up what passes for her mind.  She spells out that there will be no sex, though, which makes her plan totally not idiotic at all.  If I were writing this, Jack and NotJack would decide that they were much more into each other, ditch the bitch and make the switch.  This being NBC however, I am guessing that’s not where the story is going.

When Daughter Crabby gets wind of this plan, she pitches the same fit she pitched the last time Jack came to the house, although she has clearly been to acting class in the interim, because she doesn’t pitch the ENTIRE fit dialed up to eleven.  Also, there are visible bobby pins in her hair.  Is that a thing now, or did someone blow the barrette budget this month?

There follows a scene which defies all human logic while violating the time-space continuum and possibly causing diabetes in laboratory rats.  Jack takes Jennifer to the Brady Pub, which he has somehow gotten closed so they can decorate cookies to take to children in the hospital for Halloween. Which they have finished doing by the end of the episode, even though Halloween is still well over a week away.  Also, in a scene later in the same episode, the Brady Pub is shown operating business-as-usual.  Also also, Jennifer begins “decorating” by dumping a bunch of sprinkles onto a totally dry cookie.  Presumably, teeny-tiny unicorns will hold the sprinkles to the cookie.

Jack tells a long, sad story about a child who died in Afghanistan.  Perhaps the word “television” is confusing you, show, but you need to SHOW us things, not TELL them to us. A random brain cell fires in Jennifer’s head and she suggests that he seek professional help.  Does Marlena actually still work anymore?

THE TEEN SCENE

Speaking of Crabby, we saw a lot more of the teen set this week.  By “a lot more”, I mean, of course, that we saw them at all.  Out Gay Teen and Not Out Gay Teen (and possibly one of the teen girls…who would notice?) were concerned about gay slurs on their website, or blog, or something. Because they are apparently the only two teenagers in the country who have never been on the InterNetz before.  They were then joined by Tall Dreamy DiMera (not EJ, the younger one), who I’m pretty sure kept the conversation going.  I may have been too busy looking to listen.

TD DiMeara, aka Dangling Chad (sigh), is allegedly Crabby’s boyfriend, but is clearly sniffing around Melanie, who, at least for the moment, is relatively more drama-free.  That is, if she can be pried away from the inappropriately incestuous pawing of her father, NotJack.  Are these two dating in real life?  Get a room, fercrissakes.

SCRAMBLED EGGS

Melanie, of course, is also unnaturally shoehorned into the story of Maggie’s stolen eggs, as we have now learned that Alice Horton’s secret was that Maggie has a child out there somewhere.  Even Helen Keller can see where this story is going, but I am all for anything that keeps Maggie front and center.  And while they’re at it, if they make Victor the baby-daddy, that would just be icing on the cake.  I’m not sure how we’re supposed to come out at the end of all this and still revere Alice as some sort of saint, but whatevs.  Didn’t Maggie look fabulous in that blue suit?  Did she really have nothing on under there but a necklace?

Was the lesbian lawyer some stunt casting that I didn’t recognize, or did she just suck?

As an adjunct to this story, it occurs to me that supercouple Bo and Hope have functioned as nothing but plot devices for the past four weeks. I have nothing to say about that, I’m just putting it out there.

I LOVE SAMI

Well, I do, but that’s not why this section is called that.  It’s called that because if Rafe’s last name were “Ricardo” instead of “Hernandez”, it’d be closer to the truth.  How adorable was it when Little Ricky spilled orange juice on Lucy’s…er, Sami’s business papers?  Or when Sami invited her ex to move in without consulting Ricky…er, Rafe?  Sami, you’ve got some ‘splainin’ to do!

Of course, this analogy breaks down when Rafe starts punching people for “getting him fired”.  I don’t recall an episode of I Love Lucy in which Ricky punched Fred Mertz.  Ya know who got you fired, caveman?  YOU did…by not only not doing your job, but by doing the exact opposite of your job.  And was it just me, or did we just not get to the plot point yet, that the bean-spilling he punched Austin for was actually done by Sami?  Again:  NBC; not to worry, the previews for next week didn’t show domestic abuse, they showed wacky we-all-live-in-the-same-apartment Three’s Company hijinks.  My favorite; middle-aged people acting like teenagers.

Little Ricky is gonna be so confused.

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ERIC SINGEL is a Philadelphia actor/playwright whose one-man show The Wedding Consultant most recently played at the 2011 Philadelphia Fringe Festival.  He is also a member of Philadelphia’s premiere sketch comedy troupe, the WaitStaff.  He has been watching soap operas since he was a child, and watching seriously since he was a teenager.  Soaps that he has followed include Another World, The Doctors, The Young and the Restless, The Bold and the Beautiful, As the World Turns, Guiding Light, and One Life To Live. His other blog, Eric’s Daily Horoscope, can be found at http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com , and the accompanying vlogs at http://www.youtube.com/user/RickinPhilly .

Reboot Week 3

Wow.  Week 4 of the reboot has already gone by, and I haven’t even commented on Week 3 yet.  Thyme fries when it’s on a bun.  In keeping with the rules I set out for myself, I have not yet watched any of Week 4, and I watched Week 3 back during Week 3, so my memory may be a little hazy.  But here goes…

MARLENA AND JOHN

We start off the week with proof that God Herself is watching Days of Our Lives, as the doorbell interrupts a love scene between Marlena and John. I subsequently learned that this is an actual plot point, as John has been incapable of performing (see what I did there?) since whenever his paralysis occurred.  So I will, I suppose, have to give them a pass on that.  What I cannot give them a pass on is the ongoing pity party for John.  Guess what, dude?  A whole bunch of folks lost their life savings/retirement funds/whatever, and you were Large Marge In Charge of the corporation that made it happen.  Yeah, you’re responsible, maybe not criminally, but, still, responsible.  Man up.  (Ooops…sorry.)

Meanwhile, is said corporation actually called “Basic Black”?  Seriously?  What do they make, false eyelashes for drag queens?

Another thing that’s getting really old (and bear in mind, I’ve only been watching this show for THREE WEEKS) is the constant assumption that Boris and Natasha are responsible for every bad thing that happens.  I broke a nail… Those Damn DiMeras!  There’s pulp in my orange juice… Those Damn DiMeras!  Everyone in Salem died, but is actually living on some island… Those Damn…well, you get the idea.  I seriously hope they don’t hang this embezzlement story on Those Damn DiMeras, because that would be really dull.  Although the week ended with Marlena off to confront Boris about the issue, and I am grateful for anything that keeps her away from John and a bed.

JACK AND JENNIFER

NotJack brings his buns over for breakfast with Jennifer, only to encounter a shirtless Jack.  Yay, show!  Jennifer, meanwhile, is wearing some sort of pigtails. Whatever.  I cannot believe it took me all this time to realize that I know NotJack from when he used to live in Oakdale.  Of course, they used to write for him over there…here he seems to be little more than a placeholder.  At any rate, they quickly dispense with him, then Jack and Jen begin having a circuitous conversation that will literally last for the rest of the week(!) It is interrupted long enough for Jack to drag some strapping youth up off of the heaving bosom of his allegedly teenaged daughter, thereby demonstrating that he is not, perhaps, as smart as I thought he was.   I subsequently learn that said youth is one of (you guessed it) Those Damn DiMeras.  Lordy, Those Damn DiMeras are TALL.  And HAWTT.

Jack and Jen move their convo to the town square.  Jack is now wearing a shirt. Jen is wearing an actual color, her hair is not in some dowdy updo or in pigtails, and she actually looks really good for the first time in THREE WEEKS.  If somebody would just give her some damn lipstick, she’d look GREAT.  I have time to think of all this because they spend TWO WHOLE DAYS in the town square, saying the same things over and over again to each other.  Really, show?  Where are Those Damn DiMeras when ya need ‘em?

IF I WERE KING OF THE FOREST

Also in the town square, an impromptu mayoral candidate debate pops up.  As mayoral candidate debates are wont to do.  This also lasts two days, and consists of EJ (sigh) making excellent points about Abe’s ties to John and the Basic Black debacle, while Abe repeatedly points out that EJ is one of Those Damn DiMeras.  It also necessitates Nicole and Lexie standing on the sidelines, being forced to say things like, “Yes!” and “Go, Abe!” and “Go, EJ!”  They couldn’t have looked more ridiculous if they’d been wearing cheerleading uniforms and waving pompoms. EJ apparently wins, as decided by the three extras who appeared in the scene Twittering.

Speaking of extras, show, either find a way to shoot smaller chunks of the town square, or hire more extras, because three folks are not a crowd.  Also, there was blond female extra in a white sweater (which I would have thought would have been a no-no for extras) and a peachy-pink scarf who was drawing so much focus, I expected her to interrupt the debate to announce that she was somebody’s long-lost daughter.

BITCHES

Meanwhile, not in the town square, there was a whole lot of bitching for bitching’s sake between resident bitches Natasha, Sami, and Bitchy-Come-Lately Madison (who only bitches because she has to, of course, because she is The Awesomest Awesome That Ever Awesomed…didja know she speaks Japanese, and EVERYTHING?)  They bitched in the pub, they bitched outside the pub, and then they went and bitched in the construction site of Madison’s new cosmetics concern.  The upshot of all this bitching was that Madison bested Natasha at something involving Japanese people (because she is AWESOME), and Brady took his shirt off.  Whereupon Thoroughly Awesome Madison informed him that she doesn’t date people she works with.  Yeah, well…you might wanna either fire his fine ass, or knock off all the eye-fucking.  I’m just sayin’.

GO ASK ALICE

Could we just have a damn séance already and find out what Alice Horton’s big secret was?  I love that it involves Maggie, who is one of my favorite vets so far, but seriously.  Move on, already.

Speaking of vets, they trotted out somebody called Caroline this week.  Sami called her “Grandma”.  I called her “Reason Why We Never Have To See Sami’s Kids”.  She was immobilized in some bizarre fashion at the bar in the Brady Pub.  There was an explanation for it, but…Zzzzzzzzz.  When Sami and the other characters left her to go to a table, she did the most amazing mime show of “I’m Looking For A Waiter For You, But I’m Not Finding One”.  Marcel Marceau would have been proud.  Cut to commercial, come back to the scene where we left off, and she is inexplicably gone.  Whatever, show.

CUPID STUNTS

Ya know what’s annoying?  Stunt casting.  Although this week’s stunts were nowhere near as annoying as the Millionaire Matchgirl, or Midwife, or whatever that drag queen from the first week was calling herself.  At least the guy blended in somewhat, but the reporter woman was really distracting.  More so because I had no damn idea who she was, or why I should care.  Or why anyone from anything but a local TV news show would care about Salem’s mayoral candidates.  I blame Those Damn DiMeras.

ODDS AND ENDS

There is some trouble brewing between Carrie and Austin, because Austin is working for the prosecution against Saint John. Naturally, Rafe offers up some marital advice.  The writing for this Rafe character is very bizarre…it alternates between Neanderthal and gossipy little old lady.

Ya know who we never see on this show?  People under forty.

I have two major dialog pet peeves on soaps.  So far, no one has uttered the dreaded “I could care less”.  But this week, Natasha ordered herself an “eXpresso”.  Those Damn DiMeras.

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ERIC SINGEL is a Philadelphia actor/playwright whose one-man show The Wedding Consultant most recently played at the 2011 Philadelphia Fringe Festival.  He is also a member of Philadelphia’s premiere sketch comedy troupe, the WaitStaff.  He has been watching soap operas since he was a child, and watching seriously since he was a teenager.  Soaps that he has followed include Another World, The Doctors, The Young and the Restless, The Bold and the Beautiful, As the World Turns, Guiding Light, and One Life To Live. His other blog, Eric’s Daily Horoscope, can be found at http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com , and the accompanying vlogs at http://www.youtube.com/user/RickinPhilly .

Reboot: Week 2

OMG…

I just watched all five Reboot: Week 2 episodes in one night!  Do not attempt this at home, people; I am, after all, a Highly-Trained Professional.  Consequently, while I kept most of the plot points straight, I cannot even begin to tell you what happened on which day. (Insert “sands through the hourglass” joke here.)

MORE ABOUT THE SET

I know, right?  But that’s gonna be one crowded town square, what with Mayor McCheese’s campaign headquarters AND two rival cosmetic concerns setting up shop there.  In other news, I am still woefully underimpressed with the DiMera digs, and I absolutely abhor Jennifer’s house, although I understand that that is the Historic Horton Homestead and as such won’t be redecorated any time soon.  I don’t mind where Marlena and John live, and I actually like Sami’s apartment and the Brady Pub.  And the show is to be commended for not having all the characters take up residence in the same hotel, in which rooms are distinguished from each other by differing linens, as a cost-cutting measure, like some other shows I could name.

MARLENA AND JOHN

As predicted, we quickly learned more about the John’s arrest story, which is even more topical now than it was when they wrote it.  Since we all know He Didn’t Do It (but shouldn’t someone ONSCREEN think he did?), there are two ways this could play out: either Those Evil DiMeras did it (boring), or Brady did it (less boring) BY ACCIDENT (jackpot) and John is covering for him.  Next week had better bring a whole lot more investigating and a whole lot less John huffing, puffing, and blowing houses down.  Also, do not TELL me that John got beat up in the jail; SHOW me John getting beaten up in the jail.

Don’t even get me started again on the kissing; clearly, the show believes I want to see these two eating something unpleasant off each other’s faces, and I suspect there’s nothing I can say to persuade it otherwise.

JACK’S BACK

Jack finally got to do his ‘splainin’, in the blessed absence of NotJack.  All was not immediately forgiven, but don’t you tell ME that that particular handwriting is not on the wall.  The only monkey wrench that could thwart a Jack-Jennifer reunion now would be the discovery that the girl they thought was their daughter is actually related to neither of them, as they were having a conversation filled with subtlety and nuance, while Girlfriend was dialed up to eleven.  Honey, if you’re gonna carry on like that, couldja maybe break some of the ugly tchotchkes in that hideous living room?  And maybe shred the wallpaper while you’re at it?

OTHER COUPLES

The show wisely kept its current and immediate future pairings very clear for newbies for the rest of the week, and this particular newbie thanks it very much. 

Maggie accepted Victor’s proposal, and then we got to see that Victor isn’t exactly the teddy bear he acts like around her. (Actually, last week at the party, his behavior around her bordered on doddering senility; I get that her love makes him A Better Man, but are they going for a total Jekyll and Hyde thing here?)

Nicole accepted a job as EJ’s mayoral campaign manager, or PR person, or something…I was distracted, because EJ was onscreen at the time.  Note to show:  if there’s ever another writers’ strike, just put these two on camera and have them read the phone book to each other.

Carrie became John’s attorney after his entire legal team quit.  As entire legal teams are wont to do.  And we got to spend some time watching her interact with hubby Austin, but I can’t tell you much of what they talked about, because early on in the conversation, the phrase “forensic accountant” was uttered, and I slipped into a coma.  If you have that same problem, you might want to try a little trick I subsequently discovered:  no offense to the current Austin, but it seems this role was once played by Austin Peck, whose work I know from As the World Turns. So when an Austin-Carrie conversation gets too legal-financial-technical, I just mentally superimpose Austin Peck over the current Austin and voila!  Instant unintentional comedy gold!

We dropped in on Sami and Rafe; Sami’s children (other than Will) were, inexplicably, being babysat elsewhere.  What is with this Neanderthal attitude of “did you ask my permission to get a job?”  I thought this Sami character was a serious barracuda-bitch…why is she not slapping this guy’s eyebrows off his face?

Speaking of Sami’s job, there’s a new girl in town named Madison, who has hired Sami and enjoys going toe-to-toe with Kate.  (As, I would imagine, does Sami.)  She is clearly destined to be with Brady, whom I wish I’d paid more attention to last week as he was giving his hooker girlfriend the old heave-ho.  (See what I did there?  “Heave-HO.”  I kill me.)  Madison is clearly a keeper, and Brady seems to be much more of a gray hat than he appears at first blush.

Do Bo and Hope always wear that much peculiar plaid? And who does that under-five think he is, stonewalling their investigation into her dead grandmother’s affairs?  Scenes that go nowhere are a poor choice for the second week of a reboot…they either need to at least appear to be getting closer to an answer, or be actively thwarted from getting closer to an answer, preferably in some physical, visually impressive way.  Mister Mooney saying that Mrs. Carmichael has accidentally locked the files in the vault isn’t it.

LINE OF THE WEEK

Will, to Sami re: her taking the cosmetics job: “Mom, there are badly made-up women out there, and we need to do what we can.”  Clearly, somebody in the writers’ room is gonna have a field day once this kid’s storyline kicks in.

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ERIC SINGEL is a Philadelphia actor/playwright whose one-man show The Wedding Consultant most recently played at the 2011 Philadelphia Fringe Festival.  He is also a member of Philadelphia’s premiere sketch comedy troupe, the WaitStaff.  He has been watching soap operas since he was a child, and watching seriously since he was a teenager.  Soaps that he has followed include Another World, The Doctors, The Young and the Restless, The Bold and the Beautiful, As the World Turns, Guiding Light, and One Life To Live. His other blog, Eric’s Daily Horoscope, can be found at http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com , and the accompanying vlogs at http://www.youtube.com/user/RickinPhilly .

Reboot: Week 1

THE SET

Because that’s what it’s all about, isn’t it? “I can’t wait till Monday, to see what the new set did on Days of Our Lives.”  I kid, of course. And it should be noted that this is not the first show to decide that its fictional town needs a town square.  Both Bay City and Oakdale had town squares before they rode off into the sunset, although they were both shot in New York, so what they really had was town postage stamps.  Salem’s new set is much grander, and, as soon as some of the glitches in shooting on it are worked out, it should serve the show well.  Especially since I am pretty sure I heard it mentioned that the new town square has a dome, which will spare us pesky seasonal weather efforts and PDAs in parkas.

MARLENA AND JOHN RETURN

Although I have never watched DOOL, I do follow the soap press, so I know who Marlena and John are (although I am well aware that I could not possibly recount with any accuracy the history of “Who Is John Black/Who Does John Black Think He Is This Week”).  I remember when they were let go for financial reasons, and there was not a doubt in my mind that they would be back, as long as there was a show for them to come back to. And the show did a nice job of bringing them back, making us wait the whole first episode for them to appear (although Hope’s “I’ve got a surprise for you” antics wore a little thin).  That being a staple of old-school soap opera, why in the world did the show feel compelled to spoil John getting out of the wheelchair in the previews?  Any fan who’s seen more than one episode of a soap would know from their entrance on Monday that Tuesday’s episode was going to be all about Marlena and John; what a nice surprise his standing would have been for long-time fans, had it been allowed to remain a surprise.

That said, even as a new viewer, I know that Marlena and John are supposed to have The Loveliest Love That Ever Loved.  I do not need to have it proven to me by watching two people Of A Certain Age sticking their tongues down each other’s throats IN THE TOWN SQUARE.  Ya know who’s in love?  Doug and Julie.  Okay, not fair, married in real life.  Ya know who’s in love?  Maggie and Victor.  And I don’t need to see their tongues in the town square to know it.  Fortunately, by the end of the week, John had been arrested; one hopes that The Salem Jail doesn’t allow conjugal visits.

SEX

I was going to get to this later, but I didn’t want anyone to mistakenly think I am some sort of prude.  I was very happy to see a sex scene in the very first episode.  You would be surprised how many other shows forget that sex, love, and romance are their raison d’être.  Of course, this particular sex scene being between Sami and Rafe, who are married (to each other), it did not in any way further the plot, which I would have preferred, but it did relieve us of the horrifying hairdo Sami had initially intended to wear to the party, so I was grateful for that.  Unfortunately, her dress escaped unscathed.

JACK RETURNS

Gray characters like Jack are what I watch soaps for.  Well, okay, gray characters like Jack and really fun villains.  Well, okay, gray characters like Jack, really fun villains, and hot guys with no shirts on.  But still, gray characters like Jack are right up there.  Will he do the right thing or the wrong thing?  The noble thing or the expedient thing?  We pretty much expect characters like Marlena to do the right thing (unless she’s possessed by the devil); with characters like Jack, it’s a coin toss.

So welcome back, Jack.  Hope they let you shave soon.

Now, show, you’ve got some ‘splainin’ to do:  if you want to drag out the “Jack’s back” reveal, you can have him lurk in the background once an episode for as many episodes as you like.  If you have him lurk in the background five or six  times  in the same episode, and if, every time he’s lurking, Jennifer and NotJack are PDAing where he happens to be, you make me feel as though you think I am too stupid to get it the first time, and I get annoyed.  If you further have him not even bother lurking, but relying on the magical Cloak Of Invisibility powers of what, for want of a better word, I shall call his beard, and strolling in plain view of other characters who are clearly expected to know who he is (I am pretty sure he gave Maggie a shrimp puff at one point), then you make me feel as though you think I am stupid, and that your characters are stupid.

When he then falls over a staircase and into a cake, you cannot depend upon my gratitude for the destruction of the most hideous cake in the history of baking to blind me to the fact that suddenly the town square is empty, and only Jennifer and NotJack witnessed this fall.  Did Bo and Hope not hire staff for this shindig?  Surely there was meant to be a cake-cutting (or, in the case of this particular cake, mercy-killing) ceremony later in the proceedings…why does no one seem to care? And it’s not like the cake was in some back alley…oh, I give up.

All of this “direction” having happened, the “writing” takes over.  An infant viewing this from its mother’s arms would know that Jack hasn’t been where Jennifer thinks he has.  Which begs the question as to why the first words out of Jack’s mouth weren’t “I haven’t been where you think I’ve been”.  If he’s not going to say that, how much soapier to have him unconscious from the fall, make Doctor NotJack tend to him, thereby making Jennifer and daughter conflicted, and causing conflict between Jennifer and NotJack.  Sigh.

On the plus side, we were subsequently treated to a scene with Jack and one of my favorite ladies on soaps, Judi Evans, whom I have followed through Bay City, Springfield, and Oakdale.  In spite of  the joy of watching two Highly Trained Professionals work together, we discover only that the writers aren’t yet willing to share where Jack as been, as he imparts this info to Adrienne during a commercial.  I do hope the writers at least know  where he’s been.

BORIS AND NATASHA

I had been warned as I started watching the reboot that there were one or two loose ends from the previous writing regime still being tied up, so I knew from the get-go not to pay too much attention to the girl wearing entirely too much makeup to be in a hospital.  It was kind of Wardrobe to put everyone connected with that subplot in their purple Grrr-Animals™ for those scenes, although I may consequently have missed out on some of what someone called Brady had to say.  I perked right up, however, when Kate slithered onto the scene.  As I said before, really fun villains, and I do enjoy seeing someone who knows how to really get her bitch on.

In the spirit of the reboot, however, Kate might want to talk to her gay assistant, or whatever he is, about redecorating the DiMera residence, which was one of the least impressive soap opera villain’s-lair sets I have ever seen. Not that I was distracted by it for long, as EJ soon appeared.  Now THAT’S soap opera.  Clearly a really fun villain, but then the nice gray “I-love-my-kids” scene…if he’d just taken his shirt off, we could’ve called it a week.

That said, the whole “EJ is running for mayor” scene fell kind of flat.  Never mind the current mayor persisting in kissing his granddaughter right on the lips, why did they yield the stage and the microphone to EJ so easily?  It seems a full fifty percent of the other characters present work in law enforcement…it would have been easy to put a stop to EJ’s announcement without even causing a scene.  And it didn’t help to have Boris…er, Stefano, keep telling everyone who would listen what a great job EJ was doing.  Um, he’s using English words in English sentences…it’s not like he’s landing a plane with one hand while he does brain surgery with the other.

And from the A-Minor-Quibble-But-Somebody-Should-Have-Picked-Up-On-It Department, at one point, there was an “EJ for Mayor” poster taped OVER the Tom and Alice Horton plaque. I like my villains smart, not stupid, ThankYouVeryMuch.

RANDOM THOUGHTS

This has taken a lot longer than I thought…here are some random thoughts to wrap up for this week:

Bo and Hope being absent “getting the doughnuts” while the mayor business went on struck me as odd.  Also, whatever the “Alice Horton bank account” mystery turns out to be, I hope they find a way to incorporate flashbacks.

“Getting the doughnuts” is my new favorite euphemism.

There was some very peculiar camera work during Doug and Julie’s song; it looked as though they had been filmed while the room was empty, then the crowd reactions/dancing added in later.

I realize I’ve not said much about the younger set; it was difficult to sort out who belonged with whom with them all just hanging around at the party. The one who’s about to be gay (Will?) had a very nice scene with Marlena; hopefully cleaning up after his closet door flies off will give her something to do when she’s not baking cakes with files in them.  (Note to Marlena:  back AWAY from the pea-green frosting.)

Obviously, whatever John’s arrest is all about will become clearer in the subsequent week.  Also, I am looking forward to more about Kate’s business venture.

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ERIC SINGEL is a Philadelphia actor/playwright whose one-man show The Wedding Consultant most recently played at the 2011 Philadelphia Fringe Festival.  He is also a member of Philadelphia’s premiere sketch comedy troupe, the WaitStaff.  He has been watching soap operas since he was a child, and watching seriously since he was a teenager.  Soaps that he has followed include Another World, The Doctors, The Young and the Restless, The Bold and the Beautiful, As the World Turns, Guiding Light, and One Life To Live. His other blog, Eric’s Daily Horoscope, can be found at http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com , and the accompanying vlogs at http://www.youtube.com/user/RickinPhilly .